Holiday Cheer... for CHEAP

So I shimmied down to my local Target this morning to create a craft project to spruce up my apartment for the Holiday season. With less than 700 sq. feet in my one bedroom apartment and a dog who likes to get into anything that I leave near the ground, I have to get creative about where I can put up my Holiday decor.

Anyways, this is my latest and greatest project that works. In my mind, the sticky candy canes that you shove on your windows are a bit... ehhh.... tacky. Whether you have one window (represent!) or one hundred, this is an affordable and classy way to dress them up!

Supplies:

1. Christmas Ornaments (I got mine at Target. The snowmen are glass. The rest are plastic. Since my apartment has a lot of blue in it, I went with different shades of blue and silver.)
2. Bulk Curling Ribbon. The white complimented mine best, but they have so many colors. Gold or silver would be really pretty too.

3. Scissors to cut off excess ribbon

Instructions:

1. Thread ribbon through the ornament eye which is meant normally for a hook.

2. Measure out how much ribbon you want and then double that amount. This will be the length of the ribbon your ornament will hang from.

3. Take the top ends and double (even triple if you want!) knot it up top to keep the ribbon from coming undone.

4. Continue hanging all ornaments at different lengths until rod is full and enjoy the prettiness!

A Filling Autumn Meal is Already in Your Pantry!

ALL YOUR INGREDIENTS, LAID OUT RIGHT THERE!

So now that Halloween is over, can we please celebrate the Thanksgiving - Christmas food season? You know, the time where things get extra decadent. Now, I realize that Halloween just ended a few hours ago, se let's start slow.

It was about 2 am and I was craving some good soup. What I was not craving was doing a lot of work. Thankfully for me, I was able to invent a new soup using only ingredients that I had in my pantry. Think of it as a more bold chicken noodle soup with a richer, creamier broth than those you get over the counter. Yet, I bet everything you need to make this soup (or at least most of it) is in your kitchen right now!

The ingredient list goes as follows:

Lipton Soup Secrets Noodle Soup

Egg Noodles

1 can Cream of Mushroom Soup

1/2 Beef Bullion Cube

Soy Sauce and Worcestershire Sauce, added sparingly for taste*

1-2 stalks celery**

*your soy sauce will contribute as your salt factor so do not add any extra!

**you could also add fresh parsley, leeks, bok choy, or even cilantro for a little green and crunch

1/2 can Bite Sized French Fried Onions (for that autumn feeling!)

Instructions:

Cook the noodle soup according to package directions along with the egg noodles. Turn saucepan to low. Stir in Cream of Mushroom Soup and Bullion cube at this point. Begin to sparingly add sauces until you reach a flavor that meets your satisfaction. Chop up celery or other greens (carrots would also be nice!) and allow them to marry with the flavors of the soup. Keep soup warm on stove.

Once ready to serve, place noodles on place or in bowl and top with french fried onions.

Tastes great all alone but the rich sauce would also add amazing flavor to your typical grilled chicken or pork and the noodles become a delicious side dish!

Eat, Drink, love Miss Mary

I forgot to take a picture until I was halfway done devouring it. But you get the idea. Ooops!

Your Best Morning

Instead of buying a box of your favorite sugary cereal this week, why not make your own in a matter of minutes? You can control the ingredients and cut out so much sugar, ensuring that not only is it composed of YOUR favorite stuff, it's actually GOOD for you too! Here's what I'm eating for breakfast this week along with my milk. It would be great with dried cherries, slivered coconut, even white chocolate chips (yum!). The combinations are totally yours!

Best Morning Granola

2 Cups Rolled Oats (NOT quick cooking oats)

1 1/2 tsp Cinnamon

1 teaspoon Sea Salt, plus more for sprinkling

1/4 Cup Honey

3 Tablespoons Vegetable Oil

1/4 Cup brown sugar

1 tsp Vanilla extract

1/3 Cup Almonds

1/3 Cup Hazelnuts

1/3 Cup Golden Raisins

1/3 Cup Dried Cranberries

Preheat Oven to 325 Degrees. Spray a baking sheet with nonstick spray.

In a large bowl, toss oats with cinnamon and salt.

In a separate bowl, whisk together oil, honey, brown sugar, and vanilla.

Pour honey/brown sugar mixture over oats and stir mixture until oats are fully coated. Pour mixture out onto baking sheet and spread out evenly.

Bake for 10 minutes, then remove from oven and toss granola before adding almonds and returning to oven for additional 5 minutes. At this point, add hazelnuts and toss granola one more time.

Bake 10 additional minutes then remove your granola from oven. Sprinkle immediately with sea salt to taste. Let cool slightly before adding raisins and cranberries. Stores in an airtight container up to one week.

Ten Years Later

"I think of 9/11 all the time. I want to always remember the awful feeling of that day. To forget would dishonor those who died." - Former CIA Official

May we never become complacent or forget the past. May we always respect those who lost their lives that day and those who are fighting to keep us free and safe. Lastly, may we never stop hunting those who threaten the innocent lives of Americans. I pray that history never repeats itself and for all those who lost someone on this horrendous day in history. We will not forget.

Living the Sweet Life

Returning to "normal life" has meant a timely return to football season. With football, of course comes tailgates. The keys to successful tailgating food is of course is that it's easy to transport to your tailgate and that you can eat with your hands. Here's a new take on brownies that I've come up with for tomorrow's Texas vs. BYU football game. If you're looking to switch things up in the sweet realm, I promise you won't be disappointed!

Chewy Crunchy Brownies:

Brownie Batter:

1/3 c. Evaporated Milk

1 1/2 stick Butter, Melted

1 box Chocolate Cake Mix

Filling:

1/3 c. Evaporated Milk

14 oz. Caramel, Melted

4 oz. Mini-Twist Pretzels (approx.)

6 oz. Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine first 3 ingredients. Batter will be extremely thick. Put 1/2 of batter into 13 x 9 pan well greased and floured. Pat down batter and bake for 6 minutes. Meanwhile, melt caramels and milk in a double boiler or microwave. After the first layer is done, spread the caramel mixture on top. Break up pretzels into small pieces and drop into melted caramel. Dot with chocolate chips. Cover with remaining batter and bake for 10 minutes before topping with additional pretzel twists for decoration. Bake for an additional 10 - 15 minutes. Cool and enjoy!

Healing in Every Form and Fashion

It's been overwhelming in every sense to finally have the physical freedom once again. It's 3:13 AM and I am in bed, wide awake like many nights recently. My romantic answer for you is that my body just doesn't want to shut it's eyes now that I'm free to do whatever I please and am not chained to an oxygen compressor. I can't sleep cause I'm so excited and I just want to soak up every solitary second of being ALIVE.

Well, as much as I long for that to be the cause of my insomnia, it isn't. I've been experiencing nightmares and keeping odd hours just in the past week. I can only think that when I first got home from the hospital, my body was still so physically exhausted every night, that no dream, no matter how strange was going to interrupt my sleep. However, now I am stronger and probably sleeping more like you or any other healthy person would... except for the fact that I'm not sleeping.

My "nightmares" aren't nearly as terrible as what I experienced in real life over the past year. To me, the surgery and the physical recovery has been a necessary means to the end of a year long, real life nightmare. If you were there or in contact with me on the day of my surgery, you know that I was cool, calm, and happy. There was no stress or worry running through my body anymore. The true test of strength and the time I found out who was really there for me in my life had already come and past. The trial was the long battle of staying afloat during while the rejection took over. And the surgery was not a celebration in my mind, but rather the closing of a chapter; a collective sigh of relief for those close to me and for myself. Some people stepped up to the plate, reached out, and pleasantly surprised me by really being there during a year that I can only describe as purgatory, at times hell, on Earth. Others bowed out or never even showed up. But that is neither here nor there.

The nightmares is experience on nights like tonight take me back to those days when I was still struggling to fit in to the world of a healthy person and hide my illness from everyone around me. Despite the fact that my parents still pay for my cost of living, I do think of myself as somewhat independent. I live(d) alone in a condo that I fixed up with my mom to have reflect my life, passions, and personal style (think Texas Hill Country meets New England). It doesn't take long to realize that cooking, concerts, toile, ticking, and my friends are all things I love. In college it's common to have 3, 4, even 6 roommates. But this 655 sq. ft. space was all my responsibility and I cherish my tiny apartment so much. I give every inch of it as much TLC as I can. Before I got so tremendously sick, I also had Abel up with me in Austin and I took care of him on my own. Despite a few mishaps like him chewing up a retainer and his own doggie bed, he is a successfully potty trained dog who doesn't bark or beg for food. I'd like to think that my time with him alone during his formative months has something to do with that.

I am always punctual, to a point where it stresses me out. Being late to even a lunch date with a friend embarrasses me. Being late for a class? Even worse! I learned how to creatively cook for one and I even preferred going out shopping solo. So, despite the tiny little fact that all my money was flowing from Jodey Burkholder, I felt very proud to be my own functioning little entity thriving up in Austin.

These dreams I have at night take me back to when I lost all of that. I'll be facing a steep (we're talking San Francisco steep) hill or I'll be told by a friend that it's a two mile walk to our car and I'll crouch on the ground and just be overwhelmed with the fact that I CANNOT get to where I need to go. I am literally stuck. Like I said, these dreams are not as bad as some of the realities (and hallucinations) I faced in ICU and telemetry over the past few months. They are stressful enough however to wake me up and keep me from that carefree rest that I thought I would experience so easily after transplant.

The physical part of me is healed, but my mind is taking time to catch up. I am SO BLESSED to have patient, attentive, and understanding parents who are doing everything they can to help me get back to that place where I am healthy in mind, body, and spirit. For a while now, I have had the goal to attend the first Longhorn football game of the season. It will be hot. It will be crowded. But it's something that means the world to me. Less than a month out of one of the most major surgeries a person can have, my parents could have easily told me the game wasn't an option. Instead they are driving up, attending the game themselves and staying in a hotel. If the temperature outside, exhaustion, or simply the anxiety of sleeping alone for the first time in 3 months gets to me, they will only be moments away. I feel my parents need to be lauded for how far above and beyond they have gone in this experience. There was no manual on how to handle our situation, but they have done so in such an impressive way. If you ever get a chance, please praise them for being so exceptional because the two of them have been completely self-sufficient in keeping a positive family environment throughout a time that could have been very tumultuous. Along with a few other people who I can count on one hand, they have kept me smiling down here in San Antonio and lessened the sting of not being in Austin, working toward my degree. And I owe those people to the ends of the Earth.

So yes, this weekend I will be at the Texas season opener against Rice, three weeks after a bi-lateral lung transplant. And I'm so grateful for the opportunity to even be breathing the outside air at DKR Memorial Stadium with my fellow Longhorns. I've been planning snacks to make for a friend's family tailgate for the past week and I can't wait to sit and catch up with everyone and bask in the Texas heat, while staying plenty hydrated. Though I am an adult, and in most cases, I feel that things like the decision whether or not to drink are personal and shouldn't be scrutinized, I've felt a conviction to make my personal stance on alcohol public since so many people have been concerned for my health and want to see me succeed in the future.

Anyone who has seen my Facebook page or knows me fairly well knows that I have done my fair share of partying, like most college students. And the idea of sitting outside watching football at a tailgate with a cold Shiner Blonde in my hand sounds like a perfect day which I'm sure one day I will do further down the road. However, I am very aware that a lot of people watched waste away and come close to death. As much trauma as I have internally experienced, I know my disease has put an enormous amount of stress and heartache on the people who love me as well. Out of respect for all of those who prayed for my health to be restored, I do not want to it to even APPEAR for one moment that I am not taking this new, unimpaird body of mine for granted. This extends past alcohol, of course. I want to reach a healthy weight, a healthy body imagine despite being cut up like a ragdoll, and I am striving to mentally reach a place where I am at peace with all that has happened to me in the past year. This recovery period is not just for my body, but for the whole person. I want to emerge in the coming months strong, driven, and tougher than I ever have been before despite having experienced things I wish I could forget. God has given me all the tools to move on in a positive fashion. It is up to me to use the time I have responsibly and to glorify Him in every way possible and find the small flickers of light in what was a year of darkness.

Another Step to Normalcy

Today is only my 9th day home from the hospital! I woke up this morning in a super amount of pain. In the morning, I seem to always need painkillers. But other than that, I'm pretty much pain free! Less than 3 weeks out of my transplant, I corrected one of the problems that has plagued me since my blood clot in October. Because of medications, stress, and illness, my hair has been falling out and causing me grief for such a long time. Today, I got extensions put in to help fill in all the hair I lost. I'm so happy with the results! Looking healthy is one of the keys to feeling healthy and I'm glad to say I'm looking (and feeling) better with every passing day! It's such a great thing to finally feel like a normal person again so quickly after surgery! The necklace is courtesy of my niece, Bella, by the way. :)

Transplant Update

Gratuitous Eyelash Update

To those who were curious how my Latisse experimentwent, I'm obsessed. Here is my before and afterwith only really about 5 weeks of treatment. (I stopped for about 3 weeks in the hospital. My lashes are without a doubt darker, so all you light lashed gals, this is great for you. They are so thick, I feel like they need to be brushed out before applying mascara. The picture doesn't show off the length as much as I'd like, maybe cause of my lashes curling up at a certain point. But in the "after" photo, you can see shadows on my face that my lashes cast. Seeing them in person, with no mascara (which is pretty much always, these days), is the best testimonial I could give. But to those of you on the fence, try it!

I've had zero negative side effects. My eyes/eyelids never itch. My eyes didn't turn brown, and I've been paid so many compliments. I even got a $40 rebate on my first month's prescription so at least try it for a month! Worse case scenario? You wasted about $50. I know that's a lot of money, but sometimes we need to treat ourselves, right ladies? Best case scenario? Longer, fuller, darker lashes which maybe your boy toy will never notice, but other women will envy. Talk about a mini self-confidence booster... for less than most salons charge for highlights and a trim!

Stir Crazy

Independent George is dead. To those who do not get that joke, no worries.

My life is house arrest. Thank my Lord that I am no longer in the hospital, but I am here at home, waiting still for that phone call. Life has been reduced to as far as supplemental oxygen can take me.

I feel as if I took for granted what little lung capacity I had prior to June 6 and could kick myself for not being more grateful. But then again, who isn't guilty of forgetting to count all their blessings? Right now, I am alive. And every day, I am one day closer to a transplant, whenever that day may come.

I get a guitar lesson tomorrow from my brother Kyle, which is exciting since I'm too inept to even master the D chord at this point. The kitchen has and will continue to be an escape for me, however, I still am asking for prayer. Prayer for strength to return to my body, mind, and spirit. I need prayer to get stronger, gain weight, heal the infection in my lungs, and possibly get off this trach. I'm not sure how many people actually read this, but if you do, and if you pray, please take a second to do so. I will be indebted more than I can say. I need support more than anything until that phone call arrives.

for 23 years, God has taken care of me, and I don't think He has abandoned me now. However, I want to remain a good example of a servant of His, rather than becoming reliant on myself. I know alone, I will succumb to depression and hopelessness. But with your prayers, I know I can stay upbeat and the time will quickly pass to the day I receive my transplant. Love you all.

“All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope”

Best Hospital in San Antonio

When you're stuck in the hospital, it helps to know you're in one of the best in the USA

http://www.universityhealthsystem.com/our-news/press-releases/1105-university-health-system-is-top-50-hospital-in-two-specialties-and-overall-best-hospital-in-san-antonio-metro-area

RT Wisdom

"Faith is the ability not to panic." - Respiratory Tech in ICU, with perfect timing

living in slow motion

I've been living life at the top of the transplant list for a week now. As glamorous as being #1 might sound, it's been quite the opposite. I have not yet been granted that perfect pair of lungs. I haven't received a late night phone call ordering me to rush to the hospital. None of that. I have been, instead, glued to my phone like a schoolgirl waiting to get asked to a dance, except I'm about 100 times more desperate (I guess it really depends on the schoolgirl). Anywho, I've gotten my fair share of teases. All hospital phone numbers start with "358" so whenever I saw those pop up, I'd get butterflies in my stomach. But for some reason, the transplant clinic which is lucky to answer the phone at all deciding to call me several times to give me a friendly reminder that I had an appointment on Tuesday. I was also told I was thisclose to getting a transplant a week ago but the lungs were just a little too big. It was SUCH A TEASE. A reminder from the clinic and the lab?! A call from the transplant team that they were having size issues? Excuse me for dating myself with this reference but am I on "Punk'd" or something?! When does Ashton come out with a Yeti cooler full cadaver lungs? Never? Okay. Calm down, Mary. It's only been a week. It's ONLY been a week and I'm already losing it.

I am already making plans for after the big operation. I know I will NEED my eyebrows waxed so that's first on the list. I've already totally let myself go for the time being. I see a nail polish I want and think "isn't that nice. Maybe in a few weeks". You see, I have a device in known as a tracheostomy tube. Any attempts to look either classy or fabulous are thrown off by the gaping hole in my throat. It's necessary though. I need the 100% oxygen like I need water, Mister Abel, and Jesus himself. It's been God's little way of making me throw vanity out the window. I can promise you I'll be freshly showered with a smile on my face. But those 3 layers of mascara that I used to don may be absent as long as the trach is present. Cause let's face it, I'm not meeting my soul mate in the next few weeks with this thing in. I'm okay with that.

Even if Mr. Sexy Man did ask me out, he'd immediately be turned off by my new hobby: coughing up weird stuff. I've become that kid, you know the one; The kid who looks at what's inside their Kleenex just a little too longer than is considered normal. I'm really fascinated by what can come out of a dead/dying left lung. Mainly it's what looks like the top of a gnarly scab, accompanied by some blood. Sometimes, it's your run of the mill bright green infection mucus with streaks of black running through it. To those who just vomited, I'm really sorry. I have a fascination with the human body, including it's ability to get rid of what doesn't belong inside of it. Reason number 537 that I think I'd make an alright nurse. I probably couldn't look a patient's mucus that long though before thoroughly freaking them out. Oh great, we have Mary again today. She's the one who looks at my mucus.

the mucus queen is yours

As for the time, it drags. And it's maybe because I haven't found a good hobby yet. My mother is a very "mommy" mom and she's good at everything I want to be good at. Her suggestions to bide my time waiting made me laugh though. "Well, you could sew, knit, or crochet!", none of which sounded very exciting to do. Instead of chosen to TRY learning the guitar. My brother Jacob was kind enough to let me borrow his and I'm hoping that I can teach myself just enough Taylor Swift that I can pull off some country-pop teenage angst by the time that phone rings. So far though, the highlights of being home have been a visit from 8 dear friends of mine for a cookout along with some competitive cranium, a scrapbook made for me by the lovely Jen Mejias, and a narrative by Javi and Rebecca, which I'm not sure anyone else will ever be allowed to read. I guess you could say in my down time at home, I've felt a lot of boredom, but I've also felt a lot of love, which isn't something to take for granted. Walking around the rehab facility I was at, I saw so many rooms that, besides the patient, were empty. That was never the case with me. Whether I get that phone call in 3 minutes or 3 months, I will have an army of family, friends, and sorority sisters supporting me in my recovery.

I can't wait to get better and be on everyone else's level once again. And of course I hope it's sooner rather than later. But more than anything, I hope these lungs are a good match for my body and I don't have to think of myself as "disabled" again for a long, long time. Instead, I'd like the tables to turn and have the opportunity to make someone else's day better. One excellent nurse at University Hospital named Monica really inspired me. She was honest about what meds she thought would be helpful to me, she'd come in just to chat when she had the chance, she even took the time to give me a much needed shower, and did I mention she was a UT grad? The love she bestowed upon me was more than any other nurse I dealt with during my month stay. I even cried on my last day in ICU when her shift was over. And I've found myself thinking "I don't want to be Kate Middleton, I don't want to be Lady Gaga *cringes*, I don't want to be Taylor Swift. I want to be a nurse like Monica to where I can make a patient really feel better. That's the impact I want to make. Now if I could only get that phone call, and GET ON with my life!

Silence

As you might have read from my sister, I've had my issues over the past month (pneumonia and MRSA). It could be any day now that I get my new set of lungs. For about a month, I was unable to talk. I'm sure you could imagine how frustrating that is, especially when you're trying to discuss problems with doctors and nurses. I finally got my voice back, with the use of a trachea with speaking valve. I was able to get a hidden camera prefer how I lost my voice in the first place. It sort of went down like this:

Thanks to modern medicine, I finally have my voice back! My phone is always with me, in case I get "THE CALL" that I have lungs ready for me! Pray, pray, pray that it happens soon, soon, soon!

Hello all.

This is Amy, Mary’s sister. Mary is continuing to make incredible progress just as we all expected. In the past four days, she has passed multiple trials on the ventilator and is gradually requiring less and less assistance from it. The goal would be for her to be completely off of it sometime soon. She is being discharged from the hospital today and moving to Life Care Rehab Facility to continue her recovery process. There she will build up her strength and endurance before eventually going home.

Mary’s pulmonary team has presented her with the opportunity for another lung transplant. This is something that we have known was possibly coming at some point in this journey. She has done remarkably well with the lungs she has had and beaten all of the odds up until this point. But, here we are now and she is ready to take on the next challenge. She has been placed on the top of the transplant list for matching lungs. What does this mean? It means that her new lungs and the opportunity to get back to enjoying life and doing all of the things she loves again are right around the corner. We have been advised that being on the top of the list generally requires approximately a 3 month wait; however, we are prepared for whatever timing God has in mind, as only He really knows.
Retransplantation is an option offered to people like Mary who have taken exceptional care of themselves and proven to be strong and otherwise healthy candidates. Here are a few facts about lung transplantation:

Recovery After Lung Transplantation
Immediately after surgery, lung transplant patients recover for two to four days in the Cardiothoracic Intensive Care Unit. During this time patients are likely to:
• require the assistance of a ventilator for a day
• receive pain medications, immunosuppressant medications, antibiotics, and other medications per the Lung Transplant Program's protocol

Patients are transferred to the transplant unit when they are ready, where daily physical and pulmonary therapy will begin. Recent advancements in anesthesia, surgical techniques, and post-operative care have dramatically shortened the time patients spend in the hospital to approximately 14 days.

After Leaving the Hospital
Once they return home, patients are encouraged to return to normal activities to the extent that their energy levels permit and resume outpatient pulmonary rehabilitation as soon as possible. They return to the Center weekly for diagnostic testing and medical care, and will need to adjust to the lifestyle changes associated with organ transplantation. After three months, checkups at the Center will be scheduled monthly as long as the patient's condition allows less frequent visits.

Organ transplant recipients must take immunosuppressant and antimicrobial medications for the rest of their lives. The side effects associated with these medications can be wide ranging, but they can be managed.

As you know, most of this is not new to Mary, but I figured it was good information. Thank you for your continued prayers and support during this journey. We will continue to keep you posted. As a matter of fact, I look forward to her next post because she has a lot more interesting and humorous things to say than I do. :)

the expected, unexpectedly

There's a Reckless Kelly in town, so you know I'm going to be there, even if it means moving a week of treatments around. Secondly it was a date! I love Tacos and Tequila that place popped up first (I got to pick :)). This dream date was supposed to culminate at Abel's, laughing at all those sad folks in Nowitzki garb.

However, as I entered Lucy's Retired Surfer's Bar, which was crowded but not overflowing,I began feeling suffocated to the point where I LEFT A RECKLESS KELLY show. I was into something way more serious that I could have imagined. Eric, my saviour for the night, getting me into a room at the ER. While I waited for my parents to arrive, he calmed me down and even made me laugh. So props to Eric for being more than just a great date but also a life saver. If you never call again cause of my drama, i'll understand why haha.

Pneumonia knocked me down HARD once again my friends. This is my 21st day in the hospital with no food, drink, or speech. Boy did I not expect this. I've made it though nightmares, hallucinations, and missing my dog so dearly over these past days. The more I've been here, the less emotional I've been about missing the life I was living. God has taken away my pride and now I simply have tunnel vision to get better. If this is how it's gonna go, if this is what I'm meant to fight, let me fight it 100%. I see no reason why in 6 months, I can't have a whole new life.

It was kind of an eerie, freeing, feeling. We all knew the day would probably come when I couldn't survive on these lungs. The day is coming and none of us are terrified. I feel confident in my dreams to have good health again. I want a simple life, full of all of you and full of moments not spent thinking about my lungs.

Quote of the Day

Birds sing after a storm; Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them? - Rose Kennedy

Thank You!

It feels like awhile since I wrote something on here, and I think it's about time I told you all the good news that is filling up my heart these days.

This week is my first in four weeks that I have not had treatment. Boy, am I happy to be sitting here in my apartment (watching the Dallas Mavericks lose!) and not needing to be nursing a gatorade and popping pain pills. Last week, I felt so weak and spaced out that I was scared to be away from my mom on Tuesday, which is sort of embarrassing to admit when you're 23 years old. For those of you who have ever had a few too many drinks, you could relate to how I felt last week. My eyes couldn't focus, I couldn't hold my head up, I was feeling flushed and having trouble expressing myself.

After my pulmonary embolism and being in the hospital for over two weeks, I remember the feeling of being scared to fall asleep. It may sound dramatic, but when you've been very sick, it's hard to sleep soundly, at least for me it is. This was the first time in months that I experienced that same fear. It was panic-inducing and I knew something was wrong in my body.

Finally, I took myself to the hospital on Thursday and it's a good thing I did. I have a stubborn bacterial infection in my stomach that is almost always acquired in hospitals. As someone who has felt every sort of pain, I still think nausea may be the worst. Luckily(?) for me, I never actually felt sick. I just felt a stabbing pain my stomach and spent most of the day doubled over moaning about it.

I'm on a strong antibiotic now, which I will have to take for 2 weeks, every 6 hours, including in the middle of the night. It's inconvenient, but I am so thankful to the transplant clinic at University Hospital in San Antonio for seeing me immediately, ordering the correct tests, and prescribing the correct medication in a matter of hours. The staff was nothing short of impressive and even drew all the blood from my port with very minimal discomfort to me.

In even better news, the Jerk Store Jerky campaign for AOTA has taken flight more than I could have ever imagined. I always knew I had amazing people surrounding me, but this is just mind blowing. I have never felt so lifted up.

As of today, I have collected $754. This is in 10 days, with not a cent from my parents. It's family friends, cousins, sorority sisters, and even complete strangers who are being beyond generous. Your hearts are so big and I cannot wait to send this money to The American Organ Transplant Association in a few weeks. You are helping people who are experiencing such an overwhelming time in their lives and making things a little easier for them. Also, you're inspiring me, bringing me to tears, and helping me realize that I still have a purpose in this world even though I am not able bodied enough to be in school or working.

6 months ago, I was a very depressed person because I was unable to live a "normal" life. I hated my life and had an immense amount of anger towards God. Since then, I have come to a simple realization: I need to be okay with the fact that I'm not okay. I have recognized that my scenario is in no way fair, however, I can't change it. I've accepted that my life is painful and that I don't deserve what is happening to me. But this is where the two roads diverge. You can take the first road and be miserable, and die mentally and emotionally, even before your physical body wears out. Or, you can take another and you can choose to make a difference in the time you have. If you think that you may have less time on this earth, that's all the more reason to make your mark now. And you are all helping me feel effective in this world again. I am so grateful for that.

I started down that first road for a few painstaking months. And if this disease had taken me then, my tombstone would of had to say 1988-2010, because I was dead on the inside even into 2011. Now I feel more alive than any other time I can remember, and so much of that has to do with all of you believing in me and praying for me. Emotional health is so important to physical health. When it comes down to it, you are all helping to heal my spirit, my mind, and in doing so, you are healing my body. So thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The Cost of Survival

Jerry Seinfeld once said, if your body was a car, you would never buy it because of the upkeep. I think he was specifically talking about transplant patients.

If you read my previous blog post, you know that I am currently trying to raise money for the American Organ Transplant Association. This charity helps pay for the cost of travel, testing, surgery, and aftercare of transplant patients. To give you an example of how expensive it can be to live as an organ transplant recipient, I thought I would go through my past as a patient.

1. When I was 11, my pediatric pulmonologist sent me to Texas Children's Hospital in Houston for a lung Biopsy. I spent 10 days in the hospital and my family had to travel.

2. Next, my parents and I had to move to St. Louis. in 2000, St. Louis Childrens Hospital/ Barnes-Jewish Hospital was the best place in the country to have a lung transplant. Our things had to be stored and we lived in a house with my older brother and his wonderful wife who so graciously took us in.

3. In October 2000, I had a living donor lung transplant. This included an operation on myself, my dad, and on my brother. 3 surgeries, 3 surgeons, triple the cost. Average cost is $550,000. I was in the hospital for 20 days.

4. The hospital required us to stay in St. Louis an additional 3 months after for follow up care which included weekly clinic visits, physical therapy, and testing. Afterwards, we had to fly up for follow up appointments every 3 months, then every 6 months, then yearly until I was an adult. Think of all the travel cost over the years from 12 to 18.

5. Transplant patients take 2 types of anti-rejection medication. First either cyclosporine, prograf, or rapamune (I take prograf) and secondly either cellcept or myfortic (I take myfortic). Without insurance, a 90 day supply of only one of these anti-rejection medications is over $2,000. I've been on them for over 10 years. That's $120,000 for one medication. I take 11 different medications daily. I cant imagine how I could ever have survived without great health insurance, which so many people don't have.

6. I am immunosuppressed. I have been hospitalized for CMV, pneumonia, broken limbs, low potassium, dehydration, cryptosporidium, shingles, bronchitis, pulmonary emboli, migraines, and renal failure just to name a few.

7. I went into end stage renal failure twice. The second time, it did not reverse. I had a kidney transplant in September of 2009. Kidney transplants are thought to cost between $150,000 and $300,000. I spent a week in the hospital.

8. I had to get a port placed for phoropheresis. Every hospital in Texas refused to place a vortex port because such port wasn't being used here for transplant rejection. Therefore, my dad and I had to travel to Kansas for the surgery.

9. Photopheresis is a procedure where your blood is treated with photoactivable drugs and then exposed to UV light. Without insurance, it costs at least $80,000 and most insurance companies don't cover it for the treatment of rejection. I am blessed enough to have an insurance company that did cover it.

This has only been in the past 11 years. You can easily see that I've racked up millions of dollars in hospital cost over this time. I've been so blessed to have started out with good health insurance through my father's employment and now I simply have to be vigilant that I'm always covered. Also, I am so lucky to have been born to parents who have a plethora of financial wisdom. My dad has always stayed out of debt and saved his money. Now that I have been sick, he has the funds saved up to pay for things out of pocket when needed. It doesn't take very long to find people in this world who aren't in the same place of financial stability that my family is. So many people these days live on credit, pay minimum balances, and owe money on homes, cars, school loans, etc. No one expects to get sick, need an expensive transplant, and a lifetime of aftercare. That's why this fundraiser is so important to me. I am in a place of privilege by no doing of my own. I feel that I need to give back to people who haven't been as blessed as I have been, financially, but are still facing the same struggles I am, physically.

If I can make the battle easier for someone who is fighting on two fronts, that's the least I can do. So please, if you can donate, even a dollar, please do! The life of a transplant patient is exhausting enough without medical debt piling up around you!

Jerky to Save Lives!

An excerpt from my Facebook, which also applies to all my blog followers!

So here's the deal, for those of you who don't know, I had a bi-lateral lung transplant in October of 2000. I've been suffering from chronic lung rejection since July of 2010. Since that time, I've been medically withdrawn from school and am currently undergoing photopheresis treatments to stop (and possibly somewhat reverse) the lung rejection.

I have been blessed to be able to travel across the country and get the most advanced treatments and expert advice throughout my life. However, there are many people who are not as fortunate as I have been.

The American Organ Transplant Association is a wonderful charity out of Houston, TX that helps arrange free transportation for patients to get to the best hospitals for transplant evaluations, surgery, and aftercare. They also help patients save money on prescription medications which can be thousands of dollars a month without insurance, along with promoting organ, marrow, and tissue donation to the public.

To help raise money during this time when I am unable to be in school, I am making homemade beef jerky to sell to you all! 100% of any profits or donations will be given to AOTA. For $5, you can order a bag of beef jerky for your summer road trip, fishing excursion, or late night snack craving! Orders can be shipped for an extra $2!

You can pay me via cash, check, or even via text through Venmo (it's super easy)!
Contact me through phone, facebook, or just stop by if you're hungry for jerky or wanting to make a donation! I'm back and forth between San Antonio and Austin and want everyone who's interested in helping to be able to!

Everyone in my family can attest that this jerky is amazing (it's a secret family recipe!) and I can promise you'll be making the lives of transplant patients better! Thanks for reading all this!

Remember: BEFF JERKY:$5. Satisfy your taste-buds and help save a life!!!
Check out AOTA online for more information on them! http://aotaonline.org/default.aspx

Mary Katherine Burkholder
210 383 5546

910 W. 25th St. Apt. #310
Austin, TX 78705

Continuing Education

I love sharing good news with you all, and here is my good news for today: I will be back in school this fall. I have sent in my application for re-admission (I am currently medically withdrawn) to the University of Texas at Austin.

For those of you who don't know, I am less than 2 full semesters shy of a bachelor's degree in Health Promotion and Fitness with a minor in Theatre and Dance (I used to be really into theatre and even started out majoring in it. I figured out that it WAS NOT for me after a semester so I used it as my minor).

My long term goal is to go to nursing school. I believe that my purpose in life is to work as an advocate for other people who are chronically ill and help make their journey easier. I can't wait to continue on this path of healing and make a bigger impact in the weeks, months, and years to come!

Treatments and Living Life

I'm into week 3 of my photopheresis treatments. I'm finally settling into the routine and what to expect. Every Monday and Tuesday, I arrive at Main Methodist Hospital in San Antonio and head to the 10th floor Apheresis room.

My blanket, my laptop, and my amazing mother are always with me. It's quite the prep-work to get me ready to start the treatment. I put on a cream form of Lidocaine (a skin numbing medication) an hour before treatments, which does little. It does however, numb the most superficial part of the skin, so I figure it's worth the effort. The nurses have to create a sterile field, which is an area that is free of contamination from microorganisms. Nurses must wear sterile gloves, and it's a two person

job. They must clean the port site, allow it air dry, and then prepare to insert the needle. The needle is not inserted in the same place twice for as long as possible, so the nurses stick in a different place, moving in a clockwise motion every day.

The needle insertion is very painful, but I think I'm getting used to it. The most difficult problem that we have had is securing the needle. It is large, between one and two inches long, and has no sort of apparatus to hold it in place. Because of this, I'm always covered in tape and gauze. Still, today, the needle popped out, and had to be pushed back in which was not pleasant and got my clothes sprayed in blood. I have to say though, I felt pretty cool and tough walking out of the hospital bloodied.

The actual photopheresis treatment is a 5 step process in which all your blood is filtered out and subjected to the UV radiation. I can only guess that it's because the human body holds about 5 liters of blood and doctors don't want you losing too much of it at one time. The final process of putting the blood back in your body can take anywhere from 15 to 90 minutes, just depending on the day. The entire process takes between 3 and 5 hours and is exhausting. I have watched them start cleaning the machine after my treatments and I noticed that not all my blood is put back in my body. A guess would be that I lose between 1/2 and 1 cup in every treatment, just from all the leftover blood I see. Because of this, I can feel weak, even faint after.

My entire body hurts after the treatments. It's difficult to explain other than saying I feel uncomfortable all over. My body can be sore and achy to the point where I need pain medication. This lasts through Wednesday, and I am pleased to say that by Thursday, I do not need any narcotics and am basically pain and exhaustion free.

Being the first person in Texas to use a Vortex port for photopheresis, I am a literal pin cushion for nurses to learn about this new technology. It's both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes, the nurses screw up and have to insert the needle 2 or 3 times before they are able to access the port successfully. This causes a lot of pain and anxiety, but there is a huge upside to what I am doing. I see other patients who have the traditional type that sticks out of one's neck. I can't imagine having two lines protruding out of me all the time. This Vortex port is so low maintenance and much more ascetically pleasing, especially for a young woman. In fact, I even got to lay out at Barton Springs on Saturday with one of the sorority sisters and I didn't feel self conscious at all!

On an even bigger note, by demanding this more subtle looking port, I can only pray that I am teaching an entire hospital system how to use a more modern medical device. I hope that because of the results with my Vortex port, patients in the future will have the option to come into the Methodist system with nurses already familiar and willing to use this tiny access port as opposed to the traditional line. If there's another Mary Burkholder type girl out there, who one day may need photopheresis in San Antonio, I hope she too will be able to wear a bikini in the summer and still feel pretty.

The past few weeks, I have felt almost high, despite the fact that my health hasn't improved one iota. I have been filled with so much joy. I love life again and no longer feel cursed by illness. Every time that I start to feel down about life, the fact that I'm not graduating with my friends, and not working, I remember that God has a different, still wonderful plan for me. He is telling me that school will be later. I'm applying to restart in the Fall, by the way! For now though, I need to do something else. Recently, I've made food for my friends that were taking finals. But now, I want to do something bigger. I have a general idea of what I want to do and how I want to doit, and I'm so excited to test this idea out. If my trial run this week is promising, you will all be hearing about it soon! Thank you for your continued prayers and support! They are lifting me up more than I could have ever dreamed of!

Keeping Up Appearances

A person might see me driving around town some time, pull up in a handicap spot (yes, I have a permit), and roll their eyes over witnessing a privileged little princess getting the primo parking spot. They may scoff, "There's nothing wrong with her! Save that for a real handicap person!"

Little do they know, had I not been able to park so close to my destination, I would be struggling to breathe.

To an outsider, I look like a slim, well groomed young woman. I'm well dressed. I wear enough make up to look healthy. I try my hardest not to look sickly. After all, the Gospel of Matthew says, "And when you fast, do not look dismal, like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by men. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by men but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you"

OK, let's get real here, I really do hate when people play up their illnesses to their advantage, or act more dramatic than is necessary. Like REALLY hate it. But also, I'm a young woman in my early 20s! I want to look healthy! I want to fool the world and everyone who doesn't need to know that I am the healthiest thing they've ever seen! But I have secret: my hair is falling out and has been for months. There's several reasons that this is happening:

1. I'm on blood-thinners which cause hair loss. I'm stopping those tomorrow though. It's been over 6 months and after a scan next week, I won't have to think about blood clots anymore.

2. I'm sick, duh. My body is poorly oxygenated at times.

3. I've been stressed in the past. I can openly admit that I let the stress of a serious illness, among other things, get to me. I can honestly say that now I have such a better grip on things though. So hopefully that factor goes away.

4. I've lost a lot of weight. I went from being 114-115 at my heaviest to 81 at my lowest. Definitely not healthy. I'm steady now in the low 90's and trying to eat right to keep it that way.

I'm sure everyone around me has noticed my extensions that I clip in to try to achieve the "Texas" hair that I so desire. I also need to add that Heather at Topaz Salon in Austin did a great job of that for my formal last week, if anyone in Austin is looking for a hairdresser! This past week, I finally broke down and saw a dermatologist about my hair loss. Unfortunately, for the reasons I named above, there was not much help she could offer me other than trying to stay healthy, relaxed, and patient about the process. With that being said, please offer any personal tips and tricks your may have to help hair grow quickly, and thickly! I'm desperate!

On a completely gratuitous note, I also just started on Latisse yesterday as well. The product promises to help you grow more of your own lashes, which are also longer and darker. If I can't have hair on my head, maybe having some on eyes will be an adequate substitute. Here's my before picture at Week 0. I'll post another at Week 4 and Week 8 and so on! But seriously, hair tips! I want to keep looking like I don't deserve that handicap spot! Love, Love, Love!

We Got Him

This is about a week late, but it's given me some time to mull over the death of Osama Bin Laden. I always think it's better to wait when you have strong feelings on something and sleep on it, think it over, before you put your opinion out there. I felt such strong emotions. And after a week, I'm ready put out my thoughts (for what they're worth) on the situation, from a Christian prospective. Beginning with some of the statistics from September 11, 2001, via New York Magazine:

Total number killed in attacks (official figure as of 9/5/02): 2,819

Number of firefighters and paramedics killed: 343

Number of NYPD officers: 23

Number of Port Authority police officers: 37

Number of WTC companies that lost people: 60

Number of employees who died in Tower One: 1,402

Number of employees who died in Tower Two: 614

Number of employees lost at Cantor Fitzgerald: 658

Number of U.S. troops killed in Operation Enduring Freedom: 22

Number of nations whose citizens were killed in attacks: 115




Ratio of men to women who died: 3:1

Age of the greatest number who died: between 35 and 39

Bodies found "intact": 289

Body parts found: 19,858

Number of families who got no remains: 1,717

To those of you who remember that day, I'm sure you can't erase the images of people jumping from the 90th floor of the World Trade Center rather than be incinerated by the flames engulfing the towers. You probably remember the phone calls played from passengers on United flight 93 to loved ones. It was a day that was truly scarring for every American who was glued to the TV, watching these events unfold. The "mastermind" behind these attacks was a name few of us were very familiar with: Osama Bin Laden, who had previously been quoted as saying: Allah has ordered us to glorify the truth and to defend Muslim land, especially the Arab peninsula ... against the unbelievers. After World War II, the Americans grew more unfair and more oppressive towards people in general and Muslims in particular. ... The Americans started it and retaliation and punishment should be carried out following the principle of reciprocity, especially when women and children are involved.

Men, think of your wife. Mothers, think of your children. Osama Bin Laden would have killed them if he had the opportunity. I've seen so many Christians posting things on Facebook, Twitter, and speaking through radio about how they find it hard or nearly impossible to rejoice in another life lost. Many note the words of Christ saying "turn the other cheek", which is understandable when it comes to a lie or sour feelings between an acquaintance or even a family member and yourself. But to do the same with the mass murderer, life ruiner, a

person who has maimed tens of thousands of lives, is wrong and only inviting more death.

I take you back to the book of Exodus, when Moses parted and crossed the Red Sea. After all the Hebrew people had safely passed, he once again raised his staff, and the water came and engulfed the Egyptians. After this, Moses composed a song of thanksgiving to the Lord, which can be fully found at Exodus 15:1-18. Here is an excerpt:

² “The LORD is my strength and my defense;
he has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
my father’s God, and I will exalt him.
³ The LORD is a warrior;
the LORD is his name.
⁴ Pharaoh’s chariots and his army
he has hurled into the sea.
The best of Pharaoh’s officers
are drowned in the Red Sea.
⁵ The deep waters have covered them;
they sank to the depths like a stone.
⁶ Your right hand, LORD,
was majestic in power.
Your right hand, LORD,
shattered the enemy."

I have seen quotes from inspiring figures in the past, such as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr condemning taking human life, but I felt it was important to go to the Word. Though it is true that God does not "delight in the death of the wicked", one can only wonder if his disappointment lies more in the actual killing or in the fact that one of His creations turned away from Him and had to lose his life for because of that.

To those of you who are against capital punishment under any circumstances, obviously there is no convincing you that the killing of Bin Laden was just. To those of you who are against capital punishment, but relieved in the death of Osama Bin Laden, I ask you how you can condemn the death of a man who has killed one and savor the death of a man who killed thousands? Either way, a life was taken and a group of family and friends was emotionally destroyed by the actions of that man.

Usually, I'm very apathetic on matters like this, but for some reason, the reactions I saw of solemnity were very upsetting, especially when God was used to justify those feelings. Twisting the Word of the Bible to fit one's personal views is exactly what the Islamic extremists have done with the Qu'ran. I will be the first to admit that I do not understand the mind of God. I look to the Bible, and try to figure out what one should think about this situation. But when something is so upsetting, so mind boggling as what happened on September 11, 2011, it is hard to find a concrete answer of how one is supposed to feel about the death of Osama Bin Laden. I just wanted to share my voice along with some Biblical truth for everyone to digest. And in the words of Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that".

When the righteous prosper, the city rejoices; when the wicked perish, there are shouts of joy. - Proverbs 11:10

Never Take Yourself too Seriously

“Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that is certain to come. Never take yourself too seriously" - OG Mandino

A Shot to the Heart

I had my first photopheresis treatment today. The flying to Kansas City, the port placement, and the recovery seemed to be the worst of it. Then there was the waiting. A group aphaeresis experts had to coordinate their schedules and come in from Chicago, Phoenix, and Round Rock to oversee my first treatment. I showed you in an earlier post what the port looks like. Well here's what the port looks like in me. I circled it, because the port is actually pretty easy to miss. It's been a blessing how inconspicuous my little Toto (thanks Kyle!) looks, and cosmetically, I couldn't be happier with the results. But now it was time to put Toto to work.

The needle used to access a vortex port is large. And it thick. And it's scary. I'm a little girl with little veins who is used to being poked by butterfly needles. So this big thing coming at me caused a lot of anxiety. The nurse tells me to take a deep breath in, so I do, and POW (see video below) right into to chest. My reaction was far less dramatic, however, that's how I felt on the inside. The amount of instant pain took my breath away. I couldn't speak, cry, inhale, or exhale. And the worst part about it was that they missed! The entire needle stab had to be done once again. After that trauma and some ativan, was able to relax. The procedure was long but went smoothly from there. I'm tired but not as exhausted as I thought I would be. I feel blessed to have made it through this first day successful.

Toto has done it's job for today. And he will have to come through tomorrow. I was given lidocaine to put on the port tomorrow so I will be numb and not have to experience the unreal pain I felt this morning. But in the end, if pain, sticks, and stabs are what it takes to get me well, bring them on all over my body. I'm 100% committed to this treatment. I have confidence in my doctor and the sweet, gifted nurses in aphaeresis, I feel comfortable asking questions, and I am at peace with my decision. This small step forward has helped me see more of the future I imagine which includes graduating, nursing school, a husband, a family, and helping other like me for as long as I'm blessed to be on this earth.

Limitations

Today has been one of those days that was unexpectedly difficult. As one who wishes to rise above any malicious talk, I won't divulge names or personal details. For a little background of the day, I was basically seen as unreliable because of my physical and past emotional problems, which was something I had never heard before. If you read this regularly, I think you can all appreciate the strides I have made. I am at a stable place with my breathing. It isn't normal, but I try my hardest to live a normal life. I push myself through pain to make sure I remain the good daughter, sister, and friend I was before all of this, while still keeping my health as a top priority. I have even flown across the country to make sure I get the best of the best for every medical need. Restoring my health is my number one goal.

I am recovering from major depressive disorder and grief disorder. I've reached a level of acceptance with my condition. I am huge proponent of seeking help and not shying away from medication, as long as it's only temporary. I have gone from darkness to light, hopeless to optimistic, and melancholy to joyful. Until recently, I was unable to see all the blessings in my life. Now, every day, I find new things that make it worth living to the fullest.

With all the progress I feel I've made, it's hard to accept someone seeing you as undesirable for the things in your life which you can't change, although you'd give anything if you could. You work so hard, battle things that most people will never know about, and are still undersold. So I went to some of my biggest fans: my siblings. I immediately felt validated again, and loved tremendously. My brother, Kyle said something so sweet and so profound, I had to share it with you all:

Your "limitations" are yours. Everyone has them. Love is cool because it sees those "limitations" as more reason to love, not a reason to run.

So thank you to all of you who have been able to see past the sickness, and have acknowledged the strength that the last 7 months or so have required. Thank you for seeing my limitations and loving me, not just in spite of, but because of them. You are a big part of where I find my joy amidst the pain in my life. I will never be able to repay you. I can only continue to try and be the best daughter, sister, and friend to each and every one of you.

Love, Mary

God's Promises are Always Kept

Today is Easter, the celebration of Christ rising from the dead and fulfilling His promise to pay for our Sins. After Jesus was crucified, many of his followers assumed that they would never see or hear from their Messiah again. Just as he did back then, God still keeps his promises.

A few months ago I was physically ill, mentally confused, and spiritually broken. I was in a place so dark, that I could see no light ahead. Yes, I had been sick before. For some reason though, this time, the sickness had entered into my soul. I lived from day to day, at times hour to hour, just trying to make it to the next one. I was unable to see a future for myself and unable to dream of one day living a happy life.

There were times, that I uttered the same words that Christ said on the cross: Eli Eli lama sabachthani?

In English this is translated, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

I truly felt abandoned by God. For the first time in my life, I questioned everything. While I never doubted the existence of God, I did doubt the ability of Him to intercede on my behalf. Was God just an onlooker to my life? Did he not guide our minds, hearts, and actions like I had once believed? I was tortured by these questions.

But since that time of darkness, God has finally led me back into the light. After a stream of unsuccessful and frustrating psychiatrists, I finally found one who listened to me. He had the wisdom to prescribe me the correct medications. From there, I began to see more clearly.

I wont forget the day I first noticed that depression had begun to subside. I was on the phone with my friend, Omar, having a casual conversation. Once I got off the phone, I realized that during the our talk, my tone of voice had changed. It was lighter, more joy filled than it had been in months. I was beginning to heal. And though it was not on my timeline, I knew it was on God's.

Since then, I've found myself slowly falling back in love with the things I enjoyed in my old life, before I became ill. In my times of great sadness, I had stopped cooking, and although I dearly missed it, I had no energy to prepare a meal and no desire to eat it. My weight had bottomed as low as 81 lbs and this only made my depression worse. I hated looking at an emaciated young woman in the mirror. Slowly though, God has brought back my appetite. I've gained almost 10 lbs in the past two months. And I've been cooking again, which has been like rediscovering an old friend. I feel better about my identity, both on the outside and inside.

I cannot compare my suffering to that of Christ on the cross. However, I do feel, like Jesus, that I suffered this for a reason. The only explanation I have for being so public on such private matters is because I pray that if anyone is also suffering mental or physical afflictions, he or she would find this and realize that there are brighter times ahead. It may not be tomorrow, but you will be healed eventually to an extent.

Remembering the days that I felt to hopeless and alone, I realize that I would never want to relive that. I do not consider my struggles as blessing or something that I deserved. But in hindsight, I can look back and say that I have grown from it. I can now feel empathy towards others struggling with depression and my heart has grown to be more compassionate to those around me.

Just like Christ, I felt forsaken by God. But just like God promised his Son, I was delivered from the darkness and back into His marvelous light. In that light I stand, still physically broken, but emotionally resilient. I would take this physical pain over the emotional unrest any day. Even though my body may be limited in it's abilities, my soul is free. Free to love my neighbor, free to laugh until I cry, free to face my future without fear, and most importantly, free to praise my God for all that He has done for me.

So today, as I celebrate the resurrection of my Savior, I will also be praising God for more selfish reasons. Just as He brought Christ back from the dead, He did so for me. My heart and soul are alive once again. I have been restored and I cannot be begin to articulate my gratitude. So, Thank you Father and Happy Easter to all.