The Healing Powers of Austin, TX

I'm not sure what it is about going from San Antonio to Austin. But something about that drive, looking at DKR, and Miley Cyrus's Party in the USA on full blast and I was a new person. I mean, the treks back and forth to the car carrying boxes were tiring. And I found myself having to sit and catch my breath. But there was no mommy or daddy there. If I wanted to get that stuff out of the car and up to my bedroom, all I had was me, myself, and I. There was a possibility I'd get really sick and curl up in a ball on the bathroom floor and need my mom to come rescue me. By the grace of God, that never happened. I walked around west campus like anyone else. Sure I was secretly out of breath and my body temperature felt way too high. But no one knew that. I just got to be Mary, the new version of course. The version that sits for hours at Abels and doesn't order a Texas Tea, or an H-Bomb but instead a simple Coca-Cola. And the new version who calls it a night at 12:30 instead of 3:15. It was a simple night sitting around a table in bar but for those few hours, I wasn't sick. I was Mary, everyone's friend who made jokes and smiled and was exactly the same as before she left. Except there was no rum in this Coke.

My "big" accomplishment of the trip was getting my duvet inside my duvet cover. I couldn't wrap my little brain around how to do this without giving myself a heart attack. Eventually I regressed to the age of about 6 and crawled completely into the duvet cover, with the comforter in hand and, pretending my West Elm duvet was some sort of tent, went around nook and cranny of it til the cover was stuffed perfectly and my hair was a giant static ball. If I had a reality TV show, and it hadn't been cancelled and I hadn't been asked to leave the country because of my shenanigans, then tunneling in the duvet would have been my "chicken of the sea" moment. But the fact that I did this without passing out or wanting to vom was really exciting and got me thinking about all the other little things I could do around my new place. For the first time since I left Austin, I felt like getting up and moving. There were things I wanted to accomplish and none of those things involved sitting on the couch. Okay, maybe a nap midday.

I know tomorrow I might feel like complete crap again like I did over the weekend. But I also might feel okay. Who knows. I like to be optimistic though. I know most of this is probably divine intervention and there is no logical explanation for why I am able to half the things I do with a creatinine this high (mine is 5.5. Yours is probably 1 or less.). But I don't need an explanation. I'm just gonna enjoy it. If I completely break down tomorrow, I'm sure I'll be heartbroken. So I'll do my part in staying hydrated, eating what I can, and leave the rest up to God.

Prayers are still awesome. Things are moving along with donor selection but nothing is final yet and I don't want to give information out until it's totally decided upon. Pray for wisdom for the doctors, myself, and my family. Big decisions are coming every day. But at least things are moving.

A New Day.

I woke up today with a new feeling in my heart. Peace. I don't know what's going to happen. But whatever it is I'm okay with it. Nothing has changed with the progression of my surgery. Every day is a day closer to dialysis. I have been suffering for weeks upon weeks to avoid dialysis and having a central line put in. But after a weekend that was spent on the sofa curled up in the ball, questioning whether I should go to the ER or just take another Phenergan and pass the time sleeping, I finally reached a state where the disease seemed worse than any treatment could be. Yes, hook me up to a machine. Please, clean out whatever is making me so sick.

Before, dialysis seemed like something that would keep me prisoner and now it feels like the disease is the thing holding my hostage from the world. So go ahead, give me a central line. I wasn't exactly asking the frat guys to take a number as it was. I'll just stick to my M.O. of being really tough and hardcore.

I had gotten into this mode of feeling so sorry for myself laying on that couch. This morning, I starting getting ready for my day when Sunday Bloody Sunday came on my iPod. My mind went to the U2 concert I have tickets to in October and I was like "You're going to this. You're going to hear Bono. Unless you are plugged into the wall, you are going to get there. It's not that far off. You can do it a little longer. Put on some decent clothes, brush your hair, and quit acting so worthless."

I can barely eat anything that isn't bland and disgusting or some form of Jello. So what. I'll get super skinny and I'll secretly kind of like it but be really concerned on the the outside. In all seriousness, I do miss my meat and cheese. I still haven't tried the new cheddar burger at Whataburger and it's breaking my heart. It looks amazing but I'm pretty sure I would just projectile right there in the booth after one bite of so much beefy cheesy goodness.

I'm thinking of heading to Austin tonight to soak in my apartment and friends because by tomorrow all my optimism may have drained out of me and my stomach may be back to rejecting everything I send it's way. The point is that isn't the case today. Today is a good day. That's all that matters.

Slow Moving

We still don't have a donor. And It's looking more and more like I might end up on dialysis. Sicker and sicker every day. I'll update more soon. There's a lot of things up in the air still. Please pray.

On the Bad Days...

...And in the bad weeks... It's important to remember good days. This guy had probably had some bad days too. But it was close to his sickest that he made his biggest shot. I don't really compare to Sean Elliott, unfortunately. All I've done today is watch Aliens of the Ancient World on History Channel (as in aliens, not immigrants. the "experts" they interview on this subject provide enough comedic relief on their own to make it worth watching). So I'm not sure what my point is here. I just like the feeling I get watching old Spurs videos. And I like to think I still might be a little bit useful. I’m going to make some muffins. I can be the Sean Elliott of the kitchen for now.
And I hope next week is better both physically and emotionally. PS: Enjoy the sexyness of vintage Spurs. A little David Robinson is always a good thing.

A Lightbulb (Moment) in the Darkness

Today I finally had to sign a paper withdrawing myself from UT for medical reasons. It was painful to do so. Part of me kept hoping I'd go to the doctor one day and they be it "it's the strangest thing, your kidneys seem to have completely healed! We don't need to do a transplant!" And since I'm being completely unrealistic, I'm gonna throw in that my boobs got magically big and my hair was really thick but not too thick. It was all part of some crazy new medical condition that I have that's actually positive. Oh, and this condition is so crazy and so interesting, I get to go on Oprah and chat it up with her. I'm not a big Oprah fan. There's a lot "rediscovering yourself" and other buzz phrases that just make me uncomfortable. I really just like to see the cool stories she showcases. Like the girl who woke up one morning and her kidney disease was cured. Oh yeah, I forgot, I made that all up.

Anyways, back to what we're actually having to face. With a transplant in the coming weeks (God willing), I will miss the beginning of classes and possibly a nail-biting season opener against Louisiana-Monroe. Follow up appointments will start out probably every week or so and then move to be more spread out as time passes, but I'll still have to be in San Antonio during the week more than I usually would be. Balancing commuting with classes would probably be very stressful. I'm glad I don't even have to think about it.

Oh, also, Swine Flu. That's a reason right there to drop out of school. That's also a reason to demand free shots at Blind Pig even when it's not your birthday. Totally unrelated story. Ask and I will tell you at a later time.

So, I'll be taking a little break this semester. I'll still be attending every football game unless I'm in the hospital and if those aren't on TV, I'll probably bust out AMA. I know where to put my priorities. If anyone has any fun ideas about part time jobs or volunteer work, I'd love to hear your suggestions. I've been wanting to possibly find work or a volunteer position in a doctors office or hospital. So I still might get swine flu. Don't ever count me out when it comes to weird diseases. Not to be negative about all my health problems. Because I really am not. And I know I was sounding anti-Oprah earlier, but she is a smart lady overall. I caught an episode of hers over a month ago and she was sharing her health problems with the world. I learned Oprah was dealing with high blood pressure (high five girlfriend), heart palpitations, and being on heart medication. The word transplant had just been put in the discussion between my doctor and I. I was feeling so angry, I really did hate being me. Why did things on me keep breaking? I'm 21, I'm young, I'm shouldn't need this. I was feeling so sorry for myself. That's when Oprah said this:

"One of the things I had to do was learn to embrace this body that I have and be grateful for what this body has given me... God blessed me with this body. I mean, I could weep right now thinking about the love and appreciation I have for this body. For that, I am truly grateful."

My eyes welt up with tears and in that moment my perspective did a complete 180. I realized my body was not my enemy but a gift that despite being so sick and so weak was still waking up and working for me every day. I felt so overwhelmed with emotion. Then, all the sudden, I felt silly. There I was, 4 pm on a weekday afternoon, crying in my living room in front of Oprah on the tv. That's when I rolled my eyes and thought "Dammit Oprah! You finally got me crying! Are you happy now?!" I had finally had one of those "lightbulb moments" that Oprah always talks about. I'm happy to say she didn't TOTALLY brainwash me at that moment and I've been able to resist buying Surius/XM Radio despite the promise of Gayle King being on Oprah Radio every day. But I DO kept that quote in mind, and I try to be grateful, even when I have to give up the things I love like my tequila, my summer break, and now my most amazing UT. Hook 'Em Horns!

Good News

Thought I'd just share that I'm feeling pretty good today. As in, it's 2pm and I haven't felt nauseated or overwhelming dizzy. I haven't had a tension headache and I haven't needed a nap. Also, since I got sick, I haven't been able to eat any meat. Something about it, I just couldn't bring myself to get back on a normal diet. I'd eat a little bit of seafood, and mainly a lot bread. Well today, I ate half a hamburger. Yay for small victories. It won't be long before I'm making late night runs to Jack in the Box and ordering some ridiculous combo meal that I secretly scarf in my bedroom then throw away in the outside dumpster so nobody will ever know. Wait, what?

Anyways, I know a lot of people have been praying so I thought I'd throw something positive out into the world. If you have time to keep praying, that would be awesome, and if you have ALOT of time, you could even pray that I get a new car. But that's only if you're really bored. In which case call me. I'm really bored too. We could talk about the History Channel special I watched on Hitler's ties to the occult that I was able to catch the other day. Maybe some other time? Sounds good.

I Am Having Trouble Understanding

Yesterday, I was watching Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel. Adam Richman finally made his way to San Antonio and I'm really not sure what took him so long. While I only caught the last 15 minutes of the program, I saw more than enough. More being the key word. Adam is a sizable guy, and these locals who were cheering him on as he ate some stupidly spicy hamburger were probably doubly as big as Adam. There's probably a 99% chance one of them will be sitting next to me in clinic at the Transplant Institute next week too. Thankfully, kidney transplants have become a safe surgery with minimal risk and minimal recovery time. But I worry that because it's become a fairly common operation, people are going to take their health for granted even more than we Americans already do. There's a solution for every problem that we bring upon ourselves. We all too often are just looking for a magic pill or in this case even operation. Let me just tell you that while the surgery is easy, the weeks leading up to it are nothing but.

Last night, I was laying in bed playing out a routine that has sadly become all too familiar. I was curled up in a ball, trying my very hardest to concentrate on anything besides the overwhelming feeling of nausea that seems to sneak up on me sometime between my last dose of medication and the second episode of Sex and the City on TBS. Renal failure is no walk in the park. In fact, it's quite unpleasant.

There's times I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'll start a sentence and not remember where I'm going with it. My brain is not sharp. I can't concentrate on things. I'm dizzy standing up, sitting down, all the time. Even words off the television makes me dizzy. And books have become nearly impossible, which makes me sad. I bought a new David Sedaris book which unfortunately doesn't get any funnier when you have to read the same page three times to understand it.

With all this free time, I would have imagined myself cooking up a storm. But I can't seem to muster the appetite or the energy. Simply being, living and breathing is all I can seem to handle these days and even that requires a two hour nap at some point to recharge. I'm never hungry. I remember in the early stages of my kidney disease, when I would WebMD "renal failure" and see loss of appetite for a symptom, I'd wonder why I'd have some of the other symptoms like high blood pressure and never that awesome side effect. I mean if I'm gonna be sickly, do I have to be chubby too?!

Well now I miss food. I miss drooling over meals. I miss craving things. I miss planning where I wanted to eat. I miss snacking. I miss being hungry. I miss cooking and the satisfaction it used to bring me to make something and have it taste good. These days, I'd just assume eat air.

I've come to realize I'm a special case of medication induced renal failure and that type 2 diabetes is the number one cause of renal failure. Let me say I'd never wish what I'm going through on anyone, even my worst enemy, if I had an enemy. It's physically and emotionally exhausting. And because you have energy for nothing else, it's all consuming. Last night, I couldn't help but wonder how anyone could allow this disease to take over, knowing in so many cases it is totally preventable. I don't say this to judge anybody. We all have our bad habits. I had to break up with my boyfriend Jose Cuervo a few months ago cause I realized it was doing nothing but bad things for my health, so I know how it goes. But if you or someone you know is at risk for renal disease, and you live in this city that is ignorant to the downside of a 3 1/2 lb cinnamon bun, let me tell you that what you stand to go through in renal failure is not worth it. Man vs. Food. Man does not always win, at least in the long run.

Bob Stoops hates Puppies, Jesus, and Healthy Nephrons

Some of you might be wondering what it was that pushed my kidneys from not quite perfect to completely rotten. I’ve got two words for you: Bob Stoops.
Yeah. That’s right.
Okay well, not exactly. At some point mid-July, I probably ate at a restaurant and had a lovely meal. The problem with that lovely meal was that whoever prepared it wasn’t feeling too hot. This same person also apparently wasn’t familiar with this weird little ritual called hand washing. So along with my lunch (I’m picturing this evil little thing appearing in an innocent looking salad) came a parasite, which I have affectionately come to call Bob Stoops.
After about a week of incubating in my tummy, Bob Stoops decided to rear his ugly head. And then, it was the beginning of the end. The timing was really confusing because I had just gotten out of the hospital after checking into the ER for a migraine. So I thought I had picked up a little bug by touching some surface there. Also, my blood pressure medication had just been raised. It’s made me sick to my stomach in the past. Was it possible that this new high dosage was tearing up my insides again?
All these variables, plus the fact that I was out of the state for 5 days meant that this whole thing went unchecked for well over a week. When I got back to Texas, I went to the doctor and got a string of tests done just to safe. All the usual bacterium and viruses came back negative but one thing did stand out: This had taken my kidneys from bad to worse. I needed to get to the hospital ASAP.
A few days later, and I get the news every Cosmo girl wants to hear: you have a parasite. Oh, that’s nice. The one silver lining came when they pulled out the scale on me and I had lost 5 pounds. I tried to hold my excitement. It was the first time I had felt good in days.
I’ve been out of the hospital since Sunday and I’m finally getting over it. Unfortunately, the damage of Bob Stoops still remains and I am left with 13% kidney function. So we gotta get this show on the road. Now that my thighs don’t touch together when I walk, I feel pretty much unstoppable.

21-Year-Old College Senior. Loves Mexican Food. Needs Kidney.

I’m a very private person. That’s why I am writing this blog.
Come again?
Okay let me elaborate here. I’ll talk your ear off about my feelings on Bobby Flay, Oklahoma, and my constant desire to lose about 7 pounds. One thing I don’t like to go on and on about is my health problems. I kind of like to be in denial that they even exist. But I got slapped with reality recently. So here it is: I’ve been sick since I was 12 years old. For those of you who aren’t up to speed, I got mysteriously ill when I was 11 and in less than a year, I needed new lungs. As you probably know, transplant recipients have to take immunosuppressant medications their whole life to avoid rejection. You take them and you’re all good. Right?
Well…
It’s sort of a double-edged sword. You keep those lungs nice and healthy and take the drugs like you’re supposed to. But by doing what you’re supposed to do, you’re actually killing other parts of your body. These drugs wreck your kidneys. Most people get about 5 years out of them. I got almost 9. It’s hard for me to say “lucky me” even though I guess 4 extra years is pretty good. It’s about to be my senior year though. It’s about to be FOOTBALL SEASON for Christ’s sake and I need a kidney. I know it’s not exactly a tragedy. But when you’re 21 and usually your biggest dilemma is what to wear and where to eat on Friday night, and all the sudden you’re being handed pamphlets about your new organ and you can’t even make plans a week in advance, it’s all very hard. Not “Flight of the Conchords is being cancelled” hard. More like “Oklahoma is going to the National Title game” hard. Now you’re starting to get it.
In recent weeks, I’ve been dealing with being physically ill, emotionally exhausted, and the fact that I have no control over my life. I’ve made this blog so I can keep everyone updated with this process without spending countless hours on the phone and replying to emails in my free time. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the love and concern each of you have for me. I just can’t talk transplant non-stop. It’s depressing. So now we’re all on the same page. And you can all spare me the “I’m so sorry” speeches. I mean, come on, it’s Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. Let’s not ruin that.
This isn’t saying you can’t ever call or email or text me. I love my friends and family and I know ya'll have genuine concern for me. Also, this may be the first some of ya'll are hearing about any of this so feel free to ask any questions and I'll do my best to answer all of them. I know more about transplants than some MDs. But if there’s days I can’t or don’t want to talk to people, that’s where this comes in. These past few weeks have been rough, but I am getting to accept this and move forward. I really just want to get back to feeling like Mary Katherine. Easy going, self-deprecating, fun loving, Mary Katherine.