People say depression increases during the Holiday season and I certainly see why. It isn't what you were expecting in so many ways. It's the end of the year and there are inevitable shortcomings and I have no shortage of those. I am still not well, I didn't complete the past college semester, people have disappointed me, and so on....
But to counter all the sadness we may face at the end of a long year, I have to focus on what does matter the most. I am alive. I am alive in my smile and my laugh. I am alive with my little dog, and with my friends, and with family. I am alive to get better so I can get back to everything that I know I will be great at. That is first and foremost in my mind. I am so blessed to still have this life. Cause it's still an opportunity to make things/love/memories happen until my heart stops beating. And I try my hardest not to focus on the people that have let me down when I know that I have so many wonderful people in life that haven't. Friends, my sorority sisters, my ACTUAL sister, my parents, my brother who has concern for every aspect of my health, my sister-in-law that I feel like I can always talk to and be real with, my constant prayer warriors who probably pray more for me than I pray for myself, and of course you know I'm going to mention my sweet dog. My little Abel who has healed more pain and melted away more anger than he will ever know just be being a presence in my life.
With these records being looked over, my case being considered, and the possibility of going up to St. Louis looking more and more realistic, there is a natural response to feel nervous. Traveling, hotels, doctors you've never met, in a hospital you haven't been inside for 10 years. But that's what the paragraph above is for: to remind me that I am blessed and I am loved. That is enough comfort to get me through these scary times. That, and of course, my faith in God.
In this season, I remind myself that Mary had to go to Manger in Bethlehem to deliver her son. This was obviously not her ideal scenario. She never pictured delivering her firstborn this way.
But maybe God's plan is just as mysterious for me. I may have to go to St. Louis and see unfamiliar faces, do unfamiliar tests. I'll feel uncomfortable, I'll feel scared. But possibly in the end, something great will come of it. I can only have faith.