Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Blind man on a canyon's edge of a panoramic scene.
Or maybe I'm a kite that's flying high with Random dangling the string.
Or slumped over in a vacant room, my head on a stranger's knee.
I'm sure back home, they think I've lose my mind. - Ben Folds

Do you ever have a day, where you feel that you are floating alone in the middle of an ocean? No one or nothing can get close enough to see that you're in distress.
Two days full of disappointing and stressful hospital visits have led me to feel like this.
I am struggling to find the right combinations of medications to help me live the best I can for the time being.
There have been countless moments of dizziness, disorientation. There are times my blood pressure is dangerously high. There are other times that it drops so low that I'm passing out and vomiting.
My shortness of breath is seeming to return just as quickly as it left.
And through all of this, I begin to question my decisions about the doctors I put my trust in.
Could I be feeling better right now? I am torturing myself with "what if".
In the coming days, I pray to find the courage and assertiveness to put my needs first and discard the politeness that has lead to so many unreturned calls and unsolved problems.
I will not let my body fall backwards without doing everything possible to save and improve it.

But at the end of the day, after all the unanswered calls, appointments across town, constant physical stress, being incorrectly medicated, and test results that were shockingly poor, I have no energy to fight anymore.

I pray every night for God to take away all the sadness and disappointment I felt about what happened in the past 24 hours, and help me wake anew to be a loving, hopeful, brave person once again. Please pray with me, that I can be strong enough for my body's physical challenges and patient enough to work through the emotional stress on a daily basis.

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