Monday, December 6, 2010

live with hope

I had a weekend in Austin that was packed full with plans to see my sorority sisters and favorite frat boys. It became clear to me that by doing the things which gave me the most joy, I wear myself back down to not being able to those very things. I feel so high driving up to Austin and so drained driving back home. Even a few days on my own prove to me that despite my best efforts, I am not better. Being completely responsible for myself and my high maintenance body just reminds me how much I still need help. Then, what I think is a realistic goal to claim my independence, is pushed back once again. It becomes slightly depressing that the healing is so slow or that it has possibly plateaued. Sadly, this plateau is not one that I am satisfied with. I cannot live where I am constantly gasping for air doing simple tasks. I cannot live huffing and puffing trying to keep up with my friends as they shuffle down 6th street. Something soon will have to give in. A change will need to occur.
And in all this frustration, I have some inspiration from a very unlikely source. Elizabeth Edwards is not someone I have a lot in common with. We have very different opinions on almost everything. However, she too, has been suffering with a critical illness. Today, she posted this on her Facebook page:
"The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful."
So as I continue to struggle and suffer with my disease, I am reminded to live with hope and not be discouraged in the coming days, however many there are left for me. If a woman who has suffered this much can utter these words, surely I can try to live it out.

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