Monday, April 4, 2011

Consuming You and Defining You. What is the difference?

As a good handful of you know, I've been preparing to start photopheresis treatments in a matter of weeks. Recently, it seems that my life has been taken over by phone calls to doctors, nurses, coordinators, and my sister to vent my sheer frustration. And recently it seems the more I hear from these people, the more I want to crawl under into a cave and disappear. I got some devastating news about a week ago that will affect my treatments for the next 6 months of my life. I haven't been able to touch on the subject with most people since I feel so tired of complaining about things that at this point, and in this world, only my God can change. Hosting Rebecca's party forced me to lift myself out of my depression this weekend and put on a good face. Little did I know, that fake smile would stick and become a real one.

I lounged on the comfortable bed in the Driskill Hotel, laughing until I cried, forgetting about my recent troubles. And though the party is now over, I am happy to say that I have not sunk back into the sadness that had overtaken me for the good part of last week. My depression is slowly fading and my optimism is growing stronger. I used to feel hopeless, where as now, I am always looking forward to the days ahead. I've shed an old skin of depression and isolation and returned to be the simple, friendly girl I once was. I still have an illness, but that is only one of the many compartments that composes who I am. My illness doesn't define me now, and even if it kills me, it won't define me then. I will be living a pure, kind, joy-filled life until my time comes. That may be in 6 weeks or in 60 years. Either way, illness will not take who I am away from my family, my friends, or from myself.

This disease will probably kill me someday, but I have already emotionally defeated it and have peace in my soul for the first time in months.

"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love, and to be greater than our suffering" - Ben Okri

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