Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Welcoming Peace

The past week has given me such respect for The University of Texas. They have made my medical withdrawal process more quick and painless than I could have ever imagined. People in my department whom I have never met have sent me their thoughts and prayers. It has been one less stressor in my life that I am waving good riddance to. When I was in school, I didn't mind the class attendance (unless of course, the weather was less than perfect). I didn't like studying. I did it though. I got good grades. And I miss getting closer to accomplishing something as amazing as a degree from this great university. But for now, I need to focus on my health. Anything else just feels like clutter.

My physical and mental health has become my top priority. I'm reading a book to help me manage being constantly short of breath. Also, I just got another in the mail about learning to be at peace with chronic disease. I have always prescribed to Dennis Prager's theory on happiness which is basically: Act happy if you don't feel it. However, that is much easier to do when you're having a bad day. Having a tragic six months and facing the idea of major surgery and possibly death is very different. It is hard to understand God, the universe, and the people around you when something so unfair is happening and you are suffering so slowly. What I am trying to do is be content in my good days and grateful for the amazing people in my life who are going through this right along with me.

Another is to use some very liberal scissors and cut out everything in my life that is causing more grief and anxiety. Obviously, the first thing was school, tests, and papers. Focusing on any type of timeline when you're unsure of your own is simply impossible. Secondly, I hate to say it, I have had to cut out people. There's people who are there for you, even when you wanna be alone. They're the ones who push you to go out and live your life even when chow mein and Sex and City reruns seem like the only appealing thing on Earth. And then there are people which are the opposite. There's people who will let you fall down into that depression you're constantly fighting. Toxic people need to go. Even if it's only for a few days, or weeks, it has to be done to keep your own sanity in tact. Being ill, you already feel like time is against you. The last thing you wanna feel is that people are also against you.

By cutting out the pain, stress, and worry in some parts of my life, I think it's only natural that I'll feel physically better. Obviously I won't be healed, but I will be more healthy to pursue this path ahead of me with less anxiety. It's exciting to think I could get some pieces of me back while in this limbo stage before treatment and transplant evaluation begins. It's like I'm reading ahead on how to get better. And I really can't wait to see what I learn.

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